Living with an anxious attachment style

12/10/2021 0 Comments

Living With An Anxious Attachment Style

"ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE IS ALSO KNOWN AS PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT, MEANING THAT YOUR PARTNER MAY BECOME PREOCCUPIED WITH HOW THEY ARE PERCEIVED BY YOU AND ARE PREOCCUPIED OVERANALYZING THE RELATIONSHIP RATHER THAN ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING" THANKS GOOGLE

What I've learned is that an anxious attachment can result from when one or both of your parents were inconsistent with meeting your needs as a child. (Therapy has been very helpful btw. Highly recommend.)

It could mean your "caregiver" didn't always pay close attention to your needs. You experienced your caregiver as inconsistent or untrustworthy. You could have even had a good upbringing, but having those inconsistent feelings could result in AAStyle. Maybe you didn't get the attention or nurture you needed. And if you resonate with any of this, you could have an anxious attachment style.

When I first heard all this, I was shocked that the question as to why I have such strong feelings of insecurity in relationships even as a grown adult were just point-and-blankly answered.

I think about my dad when I was a kid. And the harm he did when overtime, became neglectful and abusive in my childhood. And I even think about the position it put my mom in. It made her not present. It made her anxious. It turned her on survival mode. And not only did it affect the relationship I had with my dad, it affected the one with my mom too.

And writing this I realize just how many people do not know this about my life because I've kept so much of my life private in fear of someone not believing my experiences, or not relating at all and judging my life. But you know what's real? The long-lasting effects it has on my day-to-day life. So ya, there's that.

SOMEONE WITH ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE MIGHT THINK OR FEEL:

I don't like to be alone
I need reassurance that I am loved or enjoyable to be around
I often feel anxious our relationship won't last
They're going to leave me
They're keeping their options opened because I am not good enough
I can't tolerate any uncertainty in our relationship
I've been told I'm needy
Do they love me as much as I love them?
I need to repeatedly text them because I'm feeling anxious and when they don't answer I question their love for me.
Obsessively thinking about things to fix in the relationship
I wonder if there is something wrong with me that they hate. Do I need to fix something?

Let's be real here. Do you relate to any of these? Because I relate to several.

And while not only having one of these problems makes you a bad person (even though they're really not good), the point is how excessive are we thinking, feeling, or doing these things? Are you causing more harm than good? If anyone hasn't said it yet, I'm sorry you have this problem. Because I personally know what it results from, I understand that your intentions are not to hurt someone. And I know that feeling of insecurity not just from relationships, but even more in yourself as a person.

The important thing is recognizing the things you're doing, and working hard to make better habits that lead to a healthier relationship.

So starting with the obvious, as a single person you would do better to look for a partner with the secure attachment style. Because it's really hard to create healthier habits in a relationship when they're doing the same problems back to you. Not impossible but very hard.

THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED ME

Self Soothing Techniques:

Positive self talk. When you're having an anxious thought, replace it with something positive. And of course this is easier said than done but it is truly one of those things that take PRACTICE.
Self compassion. Our biggest critic is the voice inside our head. They can make us more anxious than we were to begin with. So when you notice you're getting this kind of anxiety remember to be easy on yourself. And not overly critical. Do something that helps with your stress. I highly recommend journaling.
Therapy. Something I grew to really appreciate is therapy. They're a listening ear, they're validating, but they also can help you recognize the areas in your life that could use some work. And they offer actual advice on how to do that.
Time to yourself. This is so so important. You have to learn to be comfortable alone. And it can be so hard when you have an anxious attachment style. But when you really learn to enjoy your own company and learn to stay busy and replace anxious habits with healthy ones, you really start healing from this!
Be realistic. If there's some expectation you have from your partner make sure its reasonable. Your partner is the person you love. They were not created to meet ALL of your needs. So practice everyday doing things to treat them lovingly. Treat them they way a person deserves.
Do not be OVER-reactive. So I'm going to just come out and say this is a reminder for me too. In my childhood, emotions all around me were very reactive, emotional, explosive... The list could go on. And I learned that I actually took on these traits that I am having to unlearn in my adult years.

Why should you unlearn over-reaction? For starters, your partner does not deserve to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you all the time. They deserve love the same way you do. Second, you become less credible. Kind of like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Overtime, your outburst make you less believable. It makes it harder for others to listen. Over-reactive can lead to not being respected the way we need. You can find understanding and compromise with a mild-temper.

Patience. Lastly, be patient with yourself. I know when I slip up and do something I've been working hard to improve, it really feels like I lost a battle. So yes, in relationships there will be some arguments. And if you do something you're working hard to avoid, don't beat yourself up. You're trying and that's great. Keep trying so you can have a healthier relationship and you can build confidence in yourself.